How to Get Your Neurodivergent Kiddo to do Chores Without a Meltdown
With any neurodivergent diagnosis, comes the potential for overwhelm at any given moment (even if we don’t see the obvious triggers). Especially with demand tasks, such as chores, our kids can fall into an immediate tailspin with the mere thought of a chore.
Although not 100% foolproof, I have found some small and simple steps to follow to help get my ASD/SPD kiddo to do chores around the house like putting away laundry, cleaning his room, and doing the dishes.
We know that chores can be overwhelming for any child (or us adults, for that matter!). But when it comes to our neurodiverse kiddos’ brains, the overwhelm is REAL and it is BIG. Their brains have a hard time prioritizing, seeing the small tasks within the big one, and knowing where to start.
And strategies that might work for neurotypical kids like taking away screens or making them stay in their room until it’s done, these can trigger an immediate meltdown that turns into hours of struggle that could’ve been avoided with a few simple tricks.
And no, I don’t mean avoid giving the chore altogether because we’re scared of the possible meltdown. I’m saying have a strategic, logical plan that works within their sensory needs while also meeting your need to have the chore done.
Step 1: Compartmentalize the small tasks within the big one for them
It’s not enough for us to say “Just do a little at a time!”. They don’t know what that looks like. We must spell it out for them. For example, when putting away laundry say “Find all the socks and underwear and put those away” Or when cleaning their room, “Find all the art supplies and put those
on your art table”. This will require your coming back multiple times to assign the next area to work on, but they need our guidance on this. They’re not going to be able to just know/see what’s next.
Step 2: Time chunk
Although many of us want the chore done now and all in one chunk of time, this doesn’t always work for our kids. The job feels too big and too overwhelming to imagine ever being able to get it all done. So when you allow them to do one chunk (see above) for a specified amount of time, they can see it as doable. You can say “work on putting the socks/underwear away for 15 minutes”. Then set a timer that they can hear/see. Our favorite tool for this is an Alexa Dot (or whatever version you have). I don’t have to fumble with setting a physical timer. I simply say “Alexa, set a 15 minute timer” and my son has heard it and knows what to expect. Our version also has a visual timer countdown that he can check to see how much time is left. It’s all accountability with no managing it on my part. Win!!!!
And, to motivate him to try to get it done before the timer goes off, I let him have any left over time towards his break. For example if he gets those socks/underwear put away in 6 minutes instead of 15, he gets those extra 9 minutes added to his break (see below). This has been the game changer in our house! He always gets it done before the timer now. And it helps him see that he doesn’t really need that much time after all.
Step 3: Give breaks
After the specified category (underwear/socks) or amount of time (15 minutes) is finished, give them a break. The amount of time is up to you, but I usually give the same amount that he worked on the chore…Work for 15 minutes, get a 15 minute break. The break should truly be their time so they really feel they earned something they actually want (not “you get a break from your chore but now we’re going to run errands”). This part of the plan took away all the fights and arguing because he knew there was something in it for him and it was manageable. And to be honest, most times I don’t care how long it takes to get the chore done as long as it’s getting done.
These 3 simple steps have truly transformed chores in our house. There has not been a meltdown since we started these, chores get done much faster than they ever have, and there is less stress on everybody. Where I used to ruin my whole Saturday with reminding, arguing, and then consoling during a 3 hour meltdown…there is now only a few carefree parts for me to be involved in.
Our ND children need the responsibility and expectation of chores. It’s simply our job to give them scaffolds so they can do it in spite of all the obstacles they already face.
