So why is it called “From Wishing to Believing” you ask?!

Because so often as desperate sensory parents, we put all our faith and hope into allllllllllll the things people suggest and we hope something will work. Well, I want to encourage us all to stop wishing for something to work, and start believing that with a plan (and support) we can take charge of our kiddos’ outcomes.

I have spent years deep in the dark depths of all of my son’s diagnoses: ASD, SPD, ADHD, Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I have filled out all the questionnaires, checklists, and interview questions. I have run around to all the doctors, specialists, and therapies. I have joined all the parent FB and support groups. I have bought all the fidgets, supplements, and tools.

And yet I was still struggling. He was still struggling.

I mean STRU-GU-LING!!!!!

I understood that all these things would take time to show a positive effect, and I also understood that this was a long game. But when you’re in the thick of it and feel like you can’t breathe some days, you need something now. You need to feel like YOU have control and aren’t just at the whim of all these other life rafts to save you and your child.

I also understand that the last thing we parents need is another thing to feel guilty, inadequate, or like a failure about.

So in this blog you won’t hear what you “should” be doing, buying, or believing (other than believing that there is hope and answers). You won’t be judged for what you’re doing or not doing.

My hope is to share my failures and successes (with a little rawness, potty mouth, and feistiness) so that:

You know you’re not alone
You might find something that helps you/your child
You have one part of your day where you smile or laugh
You feel seen and heard in a way you don’t get elsewhere

So check back here on those days when you need a specific sensory tip for your kid, like: tying their shoes, eating more foods, or cleaning their room. ….or just need to zone out on something other than your overwhelming day.

Hugs to you, fellow sensory parent!!

*Some posts may contain affiliate links to share products we use and love!

Why I Didn't Force Shoe Tying with My Neurodivergent Kiddo

Apr 7, 2024 11:00 AM Central
Michelle Makowski
life skills, neurodivergent

Why I Didn’t Force Shoe Tying with My Neurodivergent Kiddo

There are known developmental milestones that are important in a child’s life. I’m here to say I don’t think shoe tying is one of them. (gasp!)

Sure, if a child can’t tie their shoes by a certain age, it could tell us a lot; perhaps they have undiagnosed fine motor skills issues, maybe they have a processing disorder, maybe they have another developmental delay we don’t know about. If any of those are the case, then we could get them help for said issue.

But if the child already has known diagnoses, and we know that shoe tying is/will be difficult for them, then why push it?

What about school?

Most school readiness lists will say that having your child be able to tie their shoes before they come to school is important. As an elementary teacher myself, I get it. You cannot teach effectively when you have 25 kindergartners asking you to tie their shoes all day. But I wish my teacher colleagues would not put so much value on it. Not being able to tie your shoes doesn’t mean you’re not smart. Or can’t shine in other ways. And the pressure it puts on parents who are already struggling with so many other daily tasks (like the wrestling match just getting the kid to put on socks in the morning) is just not worth it. What I can do as a parent to help teachers out is to send my kiddo to school with no-tie shoes.

Try, but don't force it

When my son was around 5, then again around 7, and again around 10…I tried to teach him to tie his shoes. Mostly because school/doctors/society seemed to think it was important and somehow a measure of our success. But every one of those shoe-tying lessons always turned into frustration, fighting, unintended shaming, and meltdowns. And I don’t mean the normal “disequilibrium frustration because something is hard at first”. This was full-blown failure frustration because he literally could not make his brain and hands work in sync. He was smart enough to know what I was asking him to do, he had several visual models, he had a positive mindset ready to “get it”… but his fingers could not do what his brain was telling him. So, each time I would regroup and just continue to buy the same slip-on shoes, or cool no-tie laces, and let it go for a while.

But today.

Today my son tied his shoes for the first time.

He’s 12.

T-W-E-L-V-E!

And somehow, even without being able to tie his shoes until now, his report card is on grade level, his state test scores are at/above expectations, he has friends, he plays instruments, he swims, can balance/maneuver on bikes and scooters, and he is an amazing artist. And he happens to have one of the biggest, most affectionate hearts I know.

So, does shoe tying really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Not to me.

I would rather my son be compassionate and self-loving than be able to tie his shoes by a certain age.

They’ll get it when they’re ready. When their development skills catch up with their brain processing, they’ll get it.

And teacher friends, don’t worry, they’re not going to end up as a 30 year old asking their boss to tie their shoes at the office.

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